I obviously am fixated on the sound of a word.
If you read Parts 1 and 2 of the title of this blog, you can understand my concept. However, for those who are just tuning in there are certain words I hate the sound of and other words which just seem fun, or flow off the tongue–similar to swearing like a sailor.
Some words, having proper definitions based on the average dictionary, I view differently in either of two ways: If you say the word over and over again, it starts to not make any sense whatsoever, or I can’t figure out for the life of me why someone came up with the word to begin with because it’s just fucking stupid.
Flip side: I can say the word over and over again and begin to think it’s funny to the point of making a rap song out of it, or use it out of context–maybe saying the word every other sentence–just to screw with a sales clerk or barista at Starbucks.
Cue panoramic view of mental hospital.
As usual, let’s start with words we loathe. (We, meaning my husband and me):
Char-house. I don’t understand why any restaurant would put the word Char-house in its title. Does that sound tasty to you? It sounds like they’re going to burn the place down with me in it. It sounds like they don’t have control over the grill. It sounds like whatever it is I’m going to be eating will look like a chunk of black dirt. Don’t tantalize my taste buds by using this word because if I ever walk into a place with the name Char-house attached to it, I may feel like I’m walking into purgatory.
La-Z-Boy. And, that’s exactly what I think when I see someone in one. You. Are. A. Lazy. Boy. I recently walked into a La-Z-Boy store because they were having a sale on chairs.
Their chairs look like over-sized snuggies. If you sit in one, they are padded so heavily with corduroy or leather, you sink deep enough into them that you’ll never be able to get out. Thus, the term La-Z-Boy was invented because you ain’t goin’ nowhere once you get into one. Some people may not be able to find you. This would be the first place I would look if I ever had to find a missing person. Check the La-Z-Boy first.
Gum. To me, when I think of this word, I think of a horse because that’s how most people chew gum. People also chew gum and talk at the same time. When they laugh, you can see their gum on the inside of their mouth. It’s unsavory. It’s also unsanitary. I mean, how many pieces of gum have you found on a sidewalk? Under a desk? On the soul of your shoe? Gum isn’t good.
Chocolate Diamonds. A new coined phrase by jewelers everywhere. What. The. Fuck? Diamonds sparkle. They are clear, and shine with brilliance like night time stars on a clear night. Chocolate diamonds sound like you just took a diamond, put a stick on it, and shoved it into a chocolate fondue pot. Chocolate isn’t a diamond, people. It’s food. Chocolate is dark, sugary, and high in calories (some may claim it’s an anti-oxidant, whatever the hell that means, but you’re kidding yourselves).
Chocolate and diamonds separately are acceptable. Together they are not and should be divorced.
Hack. I’m so sick of this word, I can’t hack it anymore. Someone decided to use this word as a substitute for the other word we used to use, short-cut. What’s the point? All you did was cut out three letters and a hyphen. Here’s a hack for ya–STOP.
Ju-Ju-Bees. All the dentists on the entire planet gathered for their annual dentist conference and came up with a plan to make all of them rich by paying some candy-maker millions of dollars to come up with a candy that, when eaten, would not go down your throat, but stick to your teeth.
People in movie theaters everywhere would have their fingers stuck in their mouths for two hours and thirteen minutes trying to pry apart the concrete from your teeth that was once a hard-like jelly substance. It’s the evil of all candies. Once the Ju-Ju-Bee dies, it will go to hell where Usama Bin Laden will have to eat three boxes a day while filing Satan’s toe nails on his stinky, smelly claw-like feet.
Palooza. This word isn’t even in the fucking dictionary, but it seems to attach itself onto things in order to make them bigger, like a magnifying glass on an ant, or a circus where all the performers are A.D.D. and using steroids. This word also reminds me of Bazooka, like the gum.
I’m starting to get crazed here, so I’m moving onto words I love.
Nail. I love this word because it’s so versatile.
Being used to pain, he used a nail to hammer carpet tacks under the beds of his nails.
See? In that sentence, the word, nail, was used for two different meanings. Here’s another example:
After she nailed her dismount and won the Trapeze Artist of the Year Award, her husband also awarded her by nailing her after a romantic dinner.
Again – two different meanings.
Speaking of nail…..
Fuck. I like this word and so do most others because it’s used a lot. People use it on friendly occasions, angry occasions, fuck–it’s used for ANY occasion. Let’s take last Sunday as an example. You know–the Superbowl? If you were hoping Seattle was gonna win with only a minute left in the game and they fucking blew it with a really fucking bad play, I can only imagine how many times the word, fuck, was heard by the heavens. And, for emphasis, the universal hand gesture of throwing both arms up as if to say, What The Fuck?, rather than saying the actual word, fuck, was used.
Beers were thrown. There could have been punches thrown, but I wouldn’t know anything about that.
Juxtaposition. All I can think of when I hear this word is, it’s just a position. It’s a fancy word for placing things side by side for comparison or contrast.
I don’t know. I’m thinking right now that a Ju-Ju-Bee-Palooza is in order.
Marionettes. What is it about puppets on strings? I remember when I was smaller watching shows performed in our grade school gym by a team of people using marionettes to stage a play. I was mesmerized by how they manipulated the strings to lift the arms and legs. To me, marionettes are funny. They walk like they’re drunk and gliding at the same time. The word flows off the tongue, whereas, juxtaposition, makes my brain hurt when I say it (but I still like the word).
Scofflaw. My husband likes this word and uses it on me often. I don’t follow rules often. Maybe that’s why I like the word.
Shenanigans, Hooligan and Knucklehead. I put all of these together because they all remind me of some Irish dude up to his hooligan-type shenanigans and gets arrested because he was being a knucklehead.
Except I don’t like Shemp. He looks like he’s created several scofflaws, lives in a La-Z-Boy, and thinks Ju-Ju-Bees consist of all the food groups. Don’t even get him close to a Marionette–he’ll strangle himself to death.