If you have severe drought in the area you live, just wash your car.
If you have a dog, buy a leather couch. It’s easier to clean than cloth.
If you still are holding onto those high school jeans and you’re in your thirties, get rid of them; they’re out of style or you can’t fit in them anymore.
Say your prayers. God is listening.
Three dogs is a part-time job. Four dogs is a full-time job.
Thanksgiving is the best holiday because it isn’t commercialized–plus, there’s always football on TV.
Your mother doesn’t always know best.
Squirrels can be pure entertainment or a massive pain in the ass.
People who don’t pick up their newspapers on the day they are thrown on your driveway should cancel their subscriptions.
Picking weeds can be a cathartic experience.
Mac ‘n Cheese is underrated.
Never marry a man who calls his mom, “Mommy.”
Never stay with a man who has been married three times and has children from each marriage.
Talk to your dogs–they like that shit.
Go commando and feel the breeze of freedom.
If you signed up on Facebook, spend thirty hours reading the terms of conditions then quit complaining your privacy is being violated.
People who don’t know how to load a dishwasher probably live like pigs.
People swear and cry more when they’re drunk.
A lot of selfies equals a lot of ego.
Don’t throw people under the bus–karma is real.
If your yard starts to look like a garage sale and you aren’t actually having a garage sale, you are a hoarder.
Don’t reason with a two-year old like you’re reasoning with an adult. Bring spanking back into American households; Baby Boomers turned out just fine.
If he looks like a bad decision, he probably is.
Always check your texts before sending them. Auto-correct is a butch, er, bitch…(damn it).
If she says, “We’ll have to do lunch sometime,” you know she’s full of crap.
Dogs talk through their eyes.
Laughing at yourself is the best thing you can do to achieve being humble.
If you have trouble stabbing a juice box with a straw, don’t become a surgeon.
Little kids who torture animals will probably end up on the ten o’clock news some day; and not for a good reason.
Pleasing everyone is impossible. Learn to please yourself.
If someone has a nasty look on their face they probably have the personality to match–unless they have Bitchy Face Syndrome.
You forget why you went upstairs a lot more as you get older.
As you get older, you lose the patience for bullshit.
Family is whoever is there for you; always.
Kids today will become socially awkward thanks to technology.
Keep it real. Putting sugar on shit doesn’t make it a brownie.
Say no more often; you’ll feel better.
If drugs are ever offered to you, stick with beer.
Dog hair can not only be a condiment, but if you have enough of it you can knit yourself a sweater.
People who always seem to have the answer to everything must have been propagated from Google.
The game, Scrabble, can turn into a fist fight if you’re an overachiever.
Everyone should have a punching bag at home. It’s a lot more convenient than landing in jail or losing your job. It’s also great exercise.
Your body starts hating you after forty.
Drinking becomes overrated when you’ve reached fifty.
Just because you put your groceries on the checkout belt a certain way to be bagged, doesn’t mean the person bagging them will understand your pristine sense of organization.