I Have Ear Worm


And, there go my chances at becoming the next Mrs. America.

It states on the rules and regulations, page 28, sub-section sixteen titled, “Hideous and Vile Personal Issues,” Donald Trump specifically states that anyone who has ear worm is a disgusting individual and who shall not be allowed to enter the Mrs. America pageant.”

You also can’t be an immigrant, Mexican, and wear a wig.

Yeah. So, it’s not like I’m walking down Happy Avenue skipping along while little inch worms get tossed out of my ear hole, cross the street and enter someone else’s ear.

No. Ear worm isn’t like that at all.

Ear worm is the constant replaying of a song you can’t get out of your head. It’s like a five piece band; a drummer, guitarist, bass player, lead singer, and maybe someone like Stevie Nicks rattling a tambourine with a bunch of scarves wrapped around it singing a catchy tune.

Announcer: The Ear Worms Everybody!

Crowd roars…..

They’re like a cover band for Nine Inch Nails or Metallica.

Honestly, I’m shocked there isn’t a band called the Ear Worms. I mean, wouldn’t you want your song to be replayed inside someone’s head over and over?

Three weeks ago, my husband and me took a motorcycle ride through St. Charles, IL. We passed the Arcada theater and it said in big lights, “Tony Orlando, July 26th.” I was giddy like a little girl and the first song that automatically started playing in my head was, “Knock Three Times.”

And, it’s been playing in my head ever since. For three long, agonizing, tortuous, fucking weeks.

I can’t get rid of it. I mean, I love Tony Orlando and I love the song. I really do. It’s catchy,  ya know? And, maybe that’s the whole damn problem.

I didn’t know there was a name for this condition. I just thought it was annoying. Since I couldn’t take it anymore, I googled, “How to get rid of a song in my head,” and the medical term of ear worm came up. So, now I have worms.

I feel like a dog who needs to go to the vet for a de-worming shot:

C’mon, Nancy! Let’s get in the car! Wanna go for a ride? Do you? DO YOU? Good girl!!!!! I jump in the back seat and stick my head out the window with my tongue sticking out. JOY RIDE!!!!!!

Along with my imbalance (I will never join the Wallenda group no matter how much I really want to cross the Grand Canyon without a net), I can’t hear over the phone which removes me as a candidate for customer assistance. Oh, wait. All that is automated now, so forget it, and the severe depression I fight that keeps me from letting loose with a butter knife on my wrists, I now have ear worms.

They say the best way to get rid of ear worm is to think of another song. That’s a great idea; at three in the morning I was singing in my brain another ’70’s tune, which I swore I heard playing on someone’s radio a block away. It was “Alone Again.”

I’m now switching between these two songs. If I try to block out Tony Orlando, I get Gilbert O’Sullivan. There are numerous times in the early morning hours when I will hear clear as a bell a radio playing with people talking and music playing. It’s always a 70’s music station. It was Jive Talkin’ by the Bee Gee’s. I think I had ear worms on that one for about a month.

I’m a walking jukebox. In total reality, I haven’t listened to a radio or music in years. I can’t understand/articulate the words or beat. I’m not going crazy. Really. My neurologist explained that there is an unknown phenomenon with people like me where you think you hear music from someone else’s house, but in reality, it’s your brain recalling certain songs. Why those songs? I can explain Tony Orlando because I saw his name. But the others? I have absolutely no fucking clue whatsoever.

If I start to belt out songs in your presence just let me finish it; like a dog needs to finish humping someone’s leg. Finishing the song from start to finish is supposed to make ear worms go away; so far it isn’t working!