Wait. Menopause Can Last 14 Years???!!!


Jesus. Just shoot me.

Jab a fork in my neck and rupture my main artery. Maybe I’ll get lucky and die from dehydration because I sweat to death.

The Today Show recently provided some really bad news for women who are going through hot flashes and night sweats.

nightsweatsI am fortunate that I’m not really going through the whole night sweat thing, but I do have hot flashes which only occur at night. So, do we call these night flashes? Hot night flashes? I don’t know. All I know is that I end up kicking off the comforter, the sheets, and lying in bed trying to cool off. Frankly, I’m not even sure how long it lasts because I’m only woken up briefly to realize I can’t feel the skin on my ass because it froze over like a beef roast in a butcher’s meat locker since I was uncovered for a supposedly lengthy period of time.

Here is what I call the bright side effect; Cindy Crawford looks like us in our late forties and early fifties. It’s refreshing to know that some people aren’t super models forever. Cindy Crawford is probably going through hot flashes like the rest of usbettywhiteandbradleycooper who are in our late forties and early fifties. Here is the other bright side effect; You can be as old as Betty White and still have the opportunity to kiss a really hot guy like Bradley Cooper.

It doesn’t matter if she’s Betty White. You never know where you’ll end up when you’re 93 years old.

Hopefully, I’ll be dead. Damn–I don’t want to live that long.

This whole growing older thing is being embraced, acknowledged, and shared through untouched photographs, people not wearing makeup, the revolution of going gray, (thank you, Jon Bon Jovi, for achieving Silver Fox status), and realizing that growing older may have some aches and pains, but with it also comes an ample dose of simplicity.

You want life simpler when you get older because, shit, you just want to slow down and smell the damn roses, daisies, bacon, or get a quick whiff of Old Spice or Electric Shave.

You want to laugh at your kids and not with them because laughing at them is like watching a younger version of yourself trying to raise your own kids; you see where the mistakes are being made and you have no intention of meddling because it wouldn’t be fun.

It would be meddling. You will then end up bringing up your kids’ kids because you “know better.”

Why the fuck would you do that??? You’re sick and tired of being a parent chasing after a toddler with a sippy cup whose lid is half open and he’s throwing cheerios to the dogs like it’s confetti, remember? 

DO YOU?

I’d rather laugh at parents at the mall who have a huge stroller toting two, or even three, children around. Need to use the escalator? Nope. No. Can. Do. You need to find an elevator that doesn’t take as long as it would take an 85 year old man to make a left hand turn into a parking lot.

I think his blinker burnt out just like the elevator did.

You also don’t give a shit about a lot of stuff anymore because that “stuff” doesn’t matter. What matters is making time for yourself. Now is the time to do things for yourself. Be a selfish bitch. Do what you want when you want…and be quick about it because you never know when you’ll die from dehydration due to night sweats.