Writer’s Block Is Like Constipation


My brain is unable to create anything that is supposed to be put on paper.

Your colon can also be unable to create anything that is supposed to be on paper.

I’ve been stuck for almost a week. I think this whole Ebola thing has me in a funk. I mean, Ebola isn’t funny. It’s an insidious disease.writersblock This is what I get for watching the news. My mind is full of thoughts about war, ISIS, be-headings, and Ebola.

I went on the Internet–which is the Bat-Phone in its glory days–to get some help. I needed a beacon of light to show me the way through the darkness of this vast abyss we call writer’s block.

When I looked at some of the ideas, I laughed. I know. Me, laugh? This never happens.

These are some of the helpful tips I received:

1. Make time for your writing. Well, this is a novel idea, isn’t it? I always have time for writing. The problem is I don’t know what the hell to write, so this doesn’t help me.

2. Daydream. Let my mind wander, it says. You’ll find some new adventures, it says. Does prison mean anything to you? I also don’t look good in orange. I also think jumpsuits are hideous on anyone, anytime, and any place, including bed; not that I know of anyone who wears a jumpsuit to bed. If I did, they would no longer be my friend, because that’s just weird shit.

3. Use the What If? System. I think of a sentence, “What would happen if_________?” Here are some random thoughts to fill in the blank:

  • What would happen if I saw someone leave someone else for dead on the side of the road? (Answer: that person would undoubtedly leave me for dead on the side of the road as well).
  • What would happen if I let sleeping dogs lie? (Answer: that never happens in my house. I have four of them).
  • What would happen if the herd I live with ran me over as I walked down the stairs? (Answer: my husband would find me in a pool of blood due to blunt head trauma).

4. Read other books for inspiration. I’m reading the life of Eleanor Roosevelt. Although I consider her a fascinating woman, this book doesn’t give me an ounce worth of writing inspiration. However, it does give me a few gallons¬†worth of new words; five dollar words I would never use because they were only used back in the early 1900’s.

5. Read quotes or song lyrics. This isn’t a good idea because most songs today use improper grammar, and slang words like, “stankface, breadcrumbing, give it a goog, and interwhine.” I don’t use words like that. I use words like: dog, cat, Jane, Dick, and hoe.

6. Write from the heart. Jesus, if I did that, you people wouldn’t recognize who was writing my blog. You’d be thinking,¬†Whose writing Nancy’s blog posts? Dr. Phil? Oprah?

There’s more advice like taking walks. With four dogs, this exercise is hard to avoid. Singing was also on the list, but one of my dogs, Otto, doesn’t like it when I sing. He starts barking, jumping up on me and biting.

He’s not a fan of my voice, and neither is my husband because he puts his fingers in his ears. Otto would do the same, but he doesn’t have fingers so he chooses to bite instead.

Nice puppy.

Okay, so I still have writer’s block after writing about all the things that should help get rid of writer’s block. These ideas–to me–are all over the counter medications like Metamucil, Ex-Lax, and Citrucel.

I need something stronger…

A colonoscopy wouldn’t be out of the question. Now, that’s something I could write about.

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