Birthday Cakes Are Fondastic


I wonder how many mother’s out there have had a birthday cake for their daughter recently made out of a Frozen character?

I see many, many hands in the air.

I bet that cake was made with a lot of fondant, wasn’t it? Little characters with a scene from the movie on top of the cake were chopped into little pieces and promptly digested by six-year-old stomachs.

Was it worth it?

I don’t understand birthday cakes. Not that they’ve ever spoken to me, but the whole premise behind them.  I’ve hated them since I was a little kid. Allow me show you my age…

When I was a little girl, we didn’t have fondant. We had whipped cream or butter cream birthday cakes with sugary flowers on top. The dried cake was either yellow, white or chocolate. That’s it. The fillings were probably strawberry, fudge, banana (who the fuck would want banana?), and probably butter cream.

You’d probably be able to write, “Happy Birthday, Nancy” on it with little room to spare. Sometimes, it would just say, “Happy B-day.” Sometimes it would say, “Who are you, anyway?” or “Cake.”

Birthday cakes sucked. All of them. I would have rather eaten a chocolate chip cookie that was burnt on the bottom rather than eat a piece of birthday cake.

But times have changed. Fondant has made anything possible in making a birthday cake (or any other type of cake). Fondant along with Rice Krispy treats will get you an enormous birthday cake that can even run on batteries, have LED lights, a runway and possibly a small twin engine airplane to sit on top of it.

Can we get a pilot to jump out of the cockpit and yell, “Happy Birthday?”

If you’ve ever watched the show, Cake Boss,  you’ll understand what I’m saying. I have no idea how much these cakes end up costing people when they ask for these outlandish requests, but I can only imagine it costs a lot of dough. Cake. Fondant.

Whatever.

I will admit that I become fixated on the whole artistry of making these elaborate cakes. I didn’t realize fondant–or as some people call it, “faaaaaannnndaaaaaannnnt”, was not that pliable. There is a machine to stretch it out. You can spray it, paint it, glue shit to it…

I am wondering if underwear has been made out of fondant yet. I’m sure on a cake it’s already been done, but on a person?

Vegas, maybe?

What I don’t understand is that if the birthday cake is for a little kid, why do you have to be so extravagant about it? If you start at a young age, you–as a parent–are just asking for trouble. As they get older, they’ll demand bigger and better than the year before.

Look at this cake for a one year old:

oneyearold

I wonder how much that set mom and dad back? Do you even think this kid will remember this cake? I’m sure after everyone left the party, the one-year-old said it was the BEST birthday ever!

Kid – It has been your ONLY birthday ever, so shut up.

This cake doesn’t look too promising. I mean, I am not that stupid to see that the cake was meant for someone who swims, but it really looks like he just did a fucking belly flop off the platform. Good luck with that, Charley. Or, should I say, “Sorry Charley”.

swimming

I remember turning twenty-one…vaguely. Did I have cake? Probably. My mother was a huge birthday cake person even though I hated it, she had to have it. But, I don’t recall ever getting something like this for my 21st:

21cake

What about Bar Mitzvah’s? Have you ever been to one? They’re like weddings, but they all have the same theme: Blue, white and silver with a huge, fucking cake the size of a treasure chest:

mazeltovcake

If that’s what a Jewish kid gets at thirteen, I can only imagine what they get when they turn twenty-one. They also get eight nights of gifts during the holidays, which really pisses me off.

Remember what I said about finding a cake with fondant underwear? Fond it!

underwear

And, I feel badly for this guy. Why? Well, for one, the cake isn’t all that great. It looks half-baked (sorry). The other reason I feel badly for him is because his name is Igor. Who the fuck names their kid, Igor? That would just scream therapy later on in life in addition to this cake:

igor

Lastly, if I was obsessed with Oreo cookies, why would someone want to make a cake to look like one? Can’t you just give the person a few packages of Oreo’s and watch the huge smile come across his face? He probably saw this cake and wondered if it was going to explode–showering him with Oreo cookies. I’m sure he was disappointed:

oreo

I gotta say though, the Oreo cookie cake sure looks like a huge Oreo, very much unlike that poor phone that Igor received.

All of these photos came from the Cake Boss website. Feel free to call them for your next birthday or funeral cake.