New Year’s Eve Tips


I have no idea who I’m trying to kid here; myself or you.

I haven’t gone out for New Year’s Eve in years. I’m fifty years old. I can’t stay up past 11 p.m. on a good night. But, I still recall some New Year’s Eve parties which I attended back when I was younger.

Much younger.

To wit, I say to those who plan on going out on the most popular night of the year for getting plastered, sloshed, three sheets to the wind, yada-yada, and have all of a sudden the aptness and expertise of dancing like a professional dancer from Dancing with the Stars, you need to be schooled in a few things before you start dancing.

dancing with the starsLet’s try to remember that you are not a professional dancer.  You are a marketing consultant who sits in a cubicle all day long looking over spreadsheets, remember? Or, you’re a stay-at-home mom who daydreams about wearing those fun outfits that Dancing with the Stars people wear, but you don’t actually wear them because wearing something like that going to the grocery store or Mommy and Me class would make people think you were just downright slutty–or delusional. Or both.

But, its New Year’s Eve and you’re drinking the night away! It’s like God has given us the excuse to imbibe mass quantities of alcoholic beverages one night a year, and damnit! You are going to participate until you start feeling like you are a professional dancer, or…

 

People Magazine’s most hottest woman and/or man of the year.

Alcohol is funny like that. It allows people to let their guard down. They start acting like they just stepped off a Vogue shoot when, in reality, they are a hot mess. Don’t apply eyeliner when you’re drunk.

Please don’t do it.

That cat-eye look you’ve been going for will either make you look like a rabid raccoon or you’ll jab yourself in the cornea. Lipstick may fall into the same category because it requires staying within the lines. And, unless you’re not swaying back and forth while looking in the mirror (which you probably think you aren’t but actually are), put the lipstick back in the bag to avoid the scary clown look. You have now regressed to a three-year old who is just learning how to color with crayons.

When you step off that dance floor, and come out of the restroom, you’ll probably be thirsty because, well, you’ve been dancing like a professional dancer. I know what’s in order here:

SHOTS!

FOR EVERYONE!drinking shots

We get generous when we’re drunk. Did you realize that there are about 350 people in the bar tonight? Of course not. That’s because you’re drunk, and it’s the one day God has given us the excuse to imbibe mass quantities of alcoholic beverages, and you totally feel great with that…

Until you see your online bill statement a few days later.

Sometimes when you’re drunk, you don’t realize what you said.

Whoops.

There are moments where this can lead to a positive outcome. However, in most circumstances that I’ve witnessed, and/or have been a part of, it’s a very bad outcome.

People tend to get chatty when they’re drunk–sometimes a little too chatty to the point of telling people they left a dead body in a shallow grave off of the interstate somewhere. Maybe a guy tells a girl he’s had a crush on her since they were six years old and they are now both thirty and she is gay. He doesn’t know this. Yet.

Fights can break out. Kisses may be stolen. Friendships may be mired. Fantasies could come true. All because this is the one day of the year that God has given us an excuse to imbibe mass quantities of alcoholic beverages, and when you wake up the next day you may or may not remember what you did or said.

Your memory may come back if there just happens to be remnants of the night’s festivities surrounding you the next day. A good example of this is that there is someone, or something, lying next to you in your bed that you don’t know. They are ugly and your arm is cradled under their neck. Do you chew your own arm off to get away from the situation? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life living without your right arm? Are you prepared for the person whom you left your right arm with, to scream bloody murder when they wake up?

It’s like the Godfather all over again, but you’re in the starring role of the horse’s head–all while dealing with a massive hangover. You may also be wondering:

How you got all that glitter on your face;

When you look in the mirror, it’s apparent that someone was practicing their art skills. You now have a permanent black mustache–drawn very badly–onto your face with a sharpie;

Maybe you’re trying to figure out where your underwear is and later discover it’s on the front lawn;

Now you’re wondering how your underwear got onto the front lawn.

Where’s my car?

As Homer Simpson always says, “Alcohol. The cause and solution to all of life’s problems.”

So, have a great time on New Year’s Eve and live it up for 2015–just make sure you don’t leave 2014 in handcuffs and behind bars.