Your Email Etiquette Can Kill


Who writes emails on a daily basis?

Raise your hand. You? You, too?

Good. At least I have two people to write this to.

There was a survey recently done with people ranging in ages from 18 – 64 about how receiving an email–even from a perfect stranger–can ruin a first impression.

Here’s a few examples of what I’m talking about:

1. 78 percent of respondents said email etiquette had an impact on their decision to engage with a stranger.

So, if you write your emails in ALL CAPS PEOPLE WILL THINK  YOU’RE YELLING AT THEM. Also, if you start your email with, “Your wire transfer wasn’t accepted…” isn’t going to help your cause because most people will immediately realize that they didn’t wire transfer anything. However, if you’ve given thousands of dollars to television evangelists to receive life everlasting, you may believe you wire transferred something.

2.  More than 88 percent of people have rewritten emails to sound more intelligent. 

I like this one. I’ll provide an example:

First Draft:

Dear Susie Snowflake:

Who do u think u r, meandering down the sky like some ice princess with a fucking wand–tap, tap, tapping on everyone’s susiesnowflakewindow sill? If I heard that in the middle of the night, I’d shoot you with my .38.

Second Draft:

Dear Susie Snowflake:

While we all appreciate your amazing act of kindness to bring forth joy to others’ during the holiday season, some people may think that an intruder is trying to gain access into their household. Instead of tapping on their window sill, an email wishing them a wonderful holiday may be best. Thoughts?

3. 60 percent of people agree that brevity is most acceptable, whereas 48 percent think wordiness is mostly unacceptable.

I’m with the group on this one. Just get to the point. Give us the facts, and only the facts.

An example of an email using brevity:

Dear Ms. Snowflake:

Quit tapping on people’s window sills because it bugs the shit out of them. You are also placing your life in danger.

The Management

An example of a very wordy email:

Dearest Susie:

The holidays are so wonderful, aren’t they? The chestnuts roasting on an open fire (although you probably don’t want to be near an open fire), and Jack Frost nipping at your nose (yes, we’ve heard about you two!). It has come to our attention that your night time job of tapping on people’s window sills to wish them the most merriest, happy, and wonderful of holidays have become a nuisance.

A disturbance.

A reckless act of human nature which must be stopped.

We implore, beg, beseech of you to please, please, PLEASE stop the tapping, beating, drum-like percussion on others’ window sills. People need to get their sleep so they can be refreshed the following day to take care of their holiday chores like shopping, baking, card writing, and screaming at their kids for breaking priceless, vintage ornaments that we just spent $50 bucks on.

Most kindly and respectfully yours,

The Management

4. 70 percent of people find excessive punctuation in an email is unacceptable.

Quite honestly, I don’t know what they’re talking about; since I use punctuation all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the epitome of a “Punctuation Princess”, “Punctuation Nazi”, or what have you–or what have you not.

Does anyone disagree with me??????????? Anyone?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buehler????????????

5. More than 60 percent of people believe humor in email is acceptable.

Thank God for that! Is swearing acceptable?

Fuuuuuuck.