What Will I Do For Mindless Entertainment, Sky Mall?


If you don’t have my attention within the first few pages of a chapter, the book will be replaced with a Sky Mall catalog.

You’ve been there. You get on an airplane and you either forgot any sort of reading materials, brought reading materials–which were mind-blowingly boring–like spreadsheets, power point presentations, and the endless sea of e-mails. You picked up the day’s newspaper only to quickly be reminded about what a fucked up world we live in.

So, instead of reading boring shit or fucked up shit, you reach into the back seat pocket for the latest edition of Sky Mall and start browsing epic and ridiculous shit.

Epic and ridiculous shit is waaay better than boring or fucked-up shit in my opinion.

I look at the Sky Mall catalog as mindless entertainment. I spend hours contemplating whether I should spend my hard earned pennies as an author and painter on products that are highly over-priced, yet I feel compelled to circle the item with a black sharpie or corner the catalog page so I can further contemplate and agonize over buying it later.

It normally ends up in the trash because I can find a similar version of the Hyper Dog Ball Launcher cheaper at Target.

Note: By the way, my four dogs LOVE it, and so do I because my hands are dog drool free for at least thirty minutes.

Some things you see in the Sky Mall catalog you can’t find at Target. These items are just one-of-a-kind. Even though they are made on a production line in Taiwan, they are still considered one-of-a-kind because no one you know has one.

Or would even consider buying one. Except you.

zinzigwinetastingShall you be the first to own your own wine tasting game? Your guests can get drunk within thirty minutes, flat. You can always replace a wine bottle with some white lightning or schnapps.

Classy.

bootlegkitSpeaking of white lightning, you can buy your own bootleg kit on Sky Mall. This product even offers different size barrels: 1 – 5 liters of making scotch, whiskey, bourbon…white lightning.

mansfaceWho wouldn’t want a close up of a man’s face?

I’m not sure about this one. He looks depressed.

He looks despondent.

He looks like he just finished working in a coal mine.

He looks like Russell Crowe doing a biblical movie. Would I want this hanging over my toilet?

I think not.

vibrationtrainerThen there is the Compact Vibration Trainer. This may be a product that can not only get you into shape, but also satisfy any sexual urges. Consider this product a two-fer.

I would be seriously contemplating this product because sometimes, I like to lie half-way on the couch, but ultimately suffer from some sort of neck trauma. How many of you have found wayshandfreecomputer to prop up pillows all around you, get yourself in a comfortable position and finally read the first sentence on your iPad, only to feel the urge to pee? Maybe the doorbell rang. The dogs need to go outside. There’s a fire in the kitchen. A tornado is coming like a fast approaching freight train.

You. Are. Not. Moving. Period.

camocasesEveryone needs a set of camo cases so you can’t find whatever it is you’re looking for. What’s the fascination with camouflage anyway? If you buy it, you won’t be able to find it, so why bother?

There is a little old lady who takes her dog for a walk in a stroller in my ‘hood. You know I love dogs, but when I see someone taking their dog for a walk in a stroller, I do the universal arm gesture for, “What the fuck?” (throwing both arms up in the air). Dogs are meant to be walked on a leash. They are meant to be walked for exercise; thus the whole purpose for taking your dog for a walk.

In my opinion,  if the dog is arthritic or old then perhaps it’s time to consider a dirt nap. Don’t keep the petstrollerdog around for your sake. The dog is hurting. Don’t treat it like a baby. The next thing you’ll be doing is putting diapers on it and feeding it with a bottle. Did you dig out your 40 year old son’s dust encrusted baby crib yet? You’ll get there if you keep walking your dog–which can not walk–in a stroller.

On that note, it’s too bad Sky Mall is also getting a dirt nap. They have now made me look to innocent passengers to poke fun and possibly get kicked off the plane.

Oh, God. That almost happened, by the way.